The last trimester of my pregnancy was the hardest. Not just physically from baby getting bigger and taking up more and more space in my uterus. It was emotionally hard, the most emotional roller coaster I have been on my whole entire life (and ask anyone who knows me, I’m a very emotional person).
In March, our preschool closed with the shelter in place mandates. A place that was my home, I spent more time there, than at home for the last 15 years of my life. I had this place to complete my days, and it filled the void of being needed and wanted by someone (or in this case 36 little someone’s) I had experienced for much of my life. Being a teacher, is my passion and being able to meet the needs of others filled my heart and soul.
So, how could I find another way to fill the void? I had a baby coming in 4 months, but what would I do in the meantime? It was a shock for me, I became depressed quickly, trying to find a rhythm and routine inside the 4 walls of my own house.
So, I nested. I got everything ready for baby in the first two months, the nursery, washing clothes, reading up on newborns, cleaning out every cupboard, drawer, closet, etc.
Then I worked on my grad school classes, started this website, upgraded my teacher pay teachers account, started a reading corner YouTube channel, created a title for the future of my passion “Blossoming friends” and finished my Preschool curriculum project. (Check it out in my TPT store).
Then it was almost June. I feel like even though I had strong emotions the first couple months, I was able to compartmentalize them and put my mind toward things that were productive and meaningful. I was able to complete so much, that I felt completed in that sense, but as that came to an end as well. That‘s when things got really hard.
All the “projects“ I did, did they truly help and inspire others? Or was it just for myself, to fill the void I was missing? My blogs, my work, my curriculum project, will it bring a difference? I can not touch the lives and hearts of my preschoolers while out of the classroom, but I tried to make a difference in other ways.
I started to doubt myself, doubt my progress, my worth, my passion. I cried, I stayed silent for days, I stayed in bed, and in pajamas. I did not want to do anything, I hated to see what was on the tv, I was too worried and concerned about mine and my baby’s health to leave the house. I was depressed.
I tried to hide it as much as I could, but sometimes it was too hard to contain. As we got closer to meeting our baby, I really focused on compartmentalizing my emotions again, doing things that made me happy, in the safety of my own home. The hard part is being out and about, with people, in nature, makes me happy. This is not forever though, and soon I will be able to venture out into the world again with my baby and Michael by my side. I just have to be patient, and focus on what makes my heart happy.
Baby girl’s due date July,7th,2020 came and went, and we anxiously waited for her to arrive, knowing it could be any day now. On the night of July, 8th, 2020 my water broke at home, and by midnight, we were at the hospital, bags in hand, where we had begun our adventure into labor and delivery.